The Garden of Exile by Toby Martin [LYRICS]

In the garden of exile,
You can never leave,
Apparently there's a back gate,
But I just don't believe it,
It's designed in such a way,
That each path eventually,
Leads you back to where you started,
In never ending aisles,
Walking
In the garden of exile.

In the garden of exile,
The exile sleep all day,
A flock of birds crosses the sky,
And the gulls the other way,
I rest my hand,
In the cool of the shade,
There's nothing but a humming,
As it crosses the tile,
In the garden of exile.

Chorus

I'm only half here,
I'm only half here,
I'm only half here,
I'm only half here,
I'm only half here.

In the garden of exile,
Our fathers built,
Statues of all the nation's heroes,
In the tops of the hills,
Everything's done before us,
Everything is will,
The future is the past,
There'll be no thinking for a while,
No thinking in the garden of exile.

Repeat Chorus

PS: I don't know whether this is completely correct. But after listening to it over and over again, this is what I've come to believe in...Hopefully, it's right.

Reborn

Reborn again. That's how I feel like at the age of 21 right now. I feel as if I am reborn again.

Not this Reborn

Let me tell you it is a good feeling. I've never been so at peace before in my life, at least, not since childhood. Ah, childhood...The happy carefree days where you didn't think twice about whether or not you were pretty and if your brother's friend thinks you're hot or not. And then there was adolescence! A horrible experience for me and I've got the battle scars to prove it...Well, not really. But I do have the memories and trust me some of them were pretty bad. But as horrible a time I had growing into a teenager, I have to admit that there were some good times in it too. Like the friends I've made who are loyal and good still. And Miss Geraldine Chin, my ace fave English teacher who was super awesome! And the moments in school...Just small little moments like waiting for the annoying assembly bell to go off, walking to the koperasi to get my usual RM0.50 chocolate bun and Nescafe Mocha, or like going for Taekwondo and drooling after my first Taekwando master (he was kind of hot in a Chinese/Jap/Korean type of way) and other stuff like waiting for the bus to arrive or in my later years, for my dad to arrive and other stuff like that.

High school sucks

No doubt, high school was a deep dark horrifying place for any hormonal and insecure teen but I don't regret going through the whole process. In other words, I'd rather just go back to school than go to prison. Heh. (opposing a Glee cast member)

My teenage years weren't kind to me. I grew up thinking I was fat and that no one wanted me. The problem with me was that I always knew I was pretty but my love for food was just too strong. I always always thought "If I were slim, boys would want me." and "If I were slim, I'd be pretty!". It was awful but I've come to realize that I was WRONG. Dead wrong! I should've known that even slim girls get dumped, even handsome get elbowed and that there was and is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! I am a perfect creation of Allah SWT and I should have never been so insecure in the first place! I've come to love myself and what I've become part of how I got to be who I am today was by going through high school. So I guess, even though it hurt and even though I may have some horrible memories, I am NOT going to ever stop believing in myself! I know now that people picked on me not because I was fat or ugly. It was because I was special. I am special. And they were just JEALOUS sons of bitches.

I know now that I am beautiful no matter what they say. I know now that words could never bring me down ever again. I'll never stop believing in myself and loving myself. Because honestly, who would love you if you didn't love yourself first? I'm a humble person and I'd never say it aloud to anyone in this whole world but since nobody reads this blog anyway, I'm just going to write whatever it is that I feel right now! And right now I feel so god damned pretty and so god damned in love with myself and if anyone opposes then they can go shove a baton up their ass!

Inner Beauty

I am pretty, gorgeous, smart, beautiful inside and out and I don't care about what others will say about it! I'll never go back to being a wall flower, too afraid to show her feelings and speak her mind...I'm born again as a new person, a whole new me! The me that was dying to get out and break away from the bulimic, scared, unstable zombie of a girl. It took me eight years to get there but now I'm there and it is such a RELIEF! All it took was some courage, praying, loving and getting over a crush. Thank you ex-crush because if it wasn't for you, I'd probably always be the same person. Thank you so much for giving me so much joy even if it was for a brief period of time. Thank you so much for making my heart race. Thank you so much for entertaining me even when you didn't want me as anything more than a friend. Thank you for delivering me to my new self. I never regretted liking you...:) And thanks to Allah, you and myself, I'm reborn.

The Pursuit of Happyness

being made used of...

my sisters and family say that i'm sometimes too nice.

i get that too. i feel like i'm too nice and too much of a coward.

i hate to have my head stepped on by other people because of this but alas, it has happened one too many times.

i hate confrontations so i will go to lengths just to avoid fights and all that.

like, if we went to a restaurant and the waiter was being extremely rude to us, my cowardly self would just say "let it be...he'll get what's coming around to him these days." and my nice self would say "oh, it's alright. you know you shouldn't stoop to his level."

it gets hard when it comes to friends and family though. for instance, when friends ask you for help and you think "oh, it's ok. they're my friends after all." but your body is screaming "WHAT A TRIFLE LOAD OF WORK TO DO!!!! WHY? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU AGREE TO THAT???"

sigh. so yes, i'm not sometimes particularly proud of the fact that i'm too nice.

sometimes, i wished i could be a total b*tch. it makes life a whole lot easier.

but then my nice side would then again remind me ever so gently, "you shouldn't stoop to their level, dear. it makes things uglier and the world really could do with less evil people anyway..."

and thus, i'm forever doomed to remain too nice and too cowardly as well as too-easy-to-be-made-used-off. :)

EID!!!

Our Family.

So ok, it's Raya and everyone is busy strutting their stuff. You know whenever anybody goes out of the house it's always in their new Raya clothes, right? So everybody tends to look their best when they walk about. You see all these bright lovely colors flashing down the streets and you immediately know, "Ha! They've come to 'berraya at somebody's house".

Our first day of Raya was really sweet. We just visited my Mak Su's house and had a blast there. Nah, there weren't any fireworks and not even any pop pops but we did have a nice time chit chatting and going mad-crazy with all the photography sessions. Plus, my dad has just recently got himself a new vid-cam and camera so you just know what he's gonna do with it...*rolls eyes*. And there's my mom who is a REAL c@mwhore...*rolls eyes again*

Our family with Mak Su, Athirah, Hannah and Ziyad and Tok Mummy!

Me, Yaya and Ima were all in our kain sari baju kurungs and let me tell you, boy, we were dressed to kill. My whole baju was like glittering as it is covered with gold sequins. Hey, it can't be helped since it is made in India and what's Indian if it doesn't have a LARGE amount of gold.

Yeah, so we had a whole lot of fun with my grandma and Mak Su and her great family. Athirah had worn these KILLER heels. They looked like they belonged in a rock concert...or a New Haven titty bar...Veeeeery sexy. They were from Vincci and I'm thinking of getting some of those too...Some day...*runs off to check on her duit raya*

The KILLER heels...

Well, anyway, that's about ti for now! I'm just really grateful that we get to spend another happy Raya day with all our friends and family! It's really a blessing from Allah. I need to get ready now so I can visit my uncles' graves. They died some time between 2001 and 2002...I miss them...GTG.

Ugh! Mean Girls Go Away!

Okay, who the bloody hell do you think you are? Some kind of goddess from heaven or something? Puh-lease! You ain't all that!

Talking behind people's backs and bitching about anyone (and I do mean ANYONE) is like, your favorite pass time! It's disgusting! How can you be so hypocritical? It's totally inhumane.

"I'm getting fatter!"

"My boobs are too big!"

"I have man shoulders..."

etc

are just some of the lame things you say to get others like US to say nice things to you. And god, before I knew what a frickin' b*tch you are, I wouldn't have ever said any of the things I did. I never did reassure your beauty. C'mon what do you frickin' take me for? Some lame ass freak who's too insecure of her own looks? Yeesh. But I did like to tell her off and say stuff like "If you think you're fat, what the bloody hell do you think I am then?? A blue whale?"

Shouldn't have done that though. Should've just frickin' told you that "Yeah, you really are getting extremely FAT! I bet you're bordering on obesity right now!" That would've been EPIC!!! And yeah, uhm, you actually deserve it.

How dare you talk behind my back and say mean things about me? How dare you go around all my friends' back and say bad things about them??? What is your problem??? Do you know that I don't say a single bad thing about YOU! Yes, you the frickin' devil who has horns in the back of her head.

Ugh, whatever. Your boyfriend's an idiot I must say. He's way too good for you. I mean, poor dude's got his b*lls in such a stitch, he can't even breath. The only reason he's still with you is because you're pretty and that's about it. I cannot see any other reason why he wants to be with you. You're mean to him. Granted you may kinda love him but I think you're a bit too vain. You think you can yell at him and scold him all you want cuz' he will never leave you cuz' oh, right, you're pretty. What else is the reason? It solves everything in this world. Your beauty. Beauty = problems solved.

I think you suck. Stop saying bad things about people! I despise people like you most! You're evil! You're a mean girl!

If it weren't for you NONE of us would ever b*tch about each other behind our backs! Not like I do anyway. Whenever you b*tched about *^% I try my best to defend her because she is my friend and I love her. Unlike you. But seriously, before you came along, we never b*tched about anyone. @#@ never ever said mean stuff about *^% before you came into our group and spread your evil! And neither did !@#$% for that matter. We loved each other and despite our differences and our disagreements, we still didn't talk bad about each other behind each others' backs!

Ah, when the spawns of evil are at its work, it spreads across our sweet untainted group like a cancer. A disease that is deadly and if we're not careful, it might just be fatal.

She's here right now. Spreading her evil seeds around us everywhere. She is everywhere. Like shadows and all that is dark and evil and hideously mean. She follows us everywhere. She is the demon in our hearts. She is the one we have to overcome the most.

Do you know why people hate you so much? Because you are one of the

20th Birthday!!

Yesterday's yesterday I celebrated my 20th birthday with my friends! After class at APB, I went over with my friends to SACC mall so we could have our lunch there and celebrate my birthday.

I encountered some sort of trouble with my ATM card so by the time me and Nabil (my housemate who was such a kind hearted little doll) met up with the others at Secret Recipe, all of them were waiting for me! I kept apologizing again and again *starts singing 'Again and Again' by 2PM* but all of them said it wasn't a big deal. When my cute little friends say that, I feel as if I'm the luckiest person in the whole wide world! It's always nice to know that people love you!

Anyway, we ordered our food and sat there happily waiting to be served when Hanan (she's my other housemate/roommate) said she needed to go the bathroom.

"Eh, I nk g toilet jap. Yuni teman I."

I watched them go as the food arrived and I thought nothing of it.

It was when I was almost tucking into my mac and cheese was when Yuni and Nan came into Secret Recipe with this super HUGE plastic bag!

Guess what was in it? A super HUGE birthday card! It was pink and decorated with shiny pink hearts! It was the cutest thing ever! I was so touched by their gift I felt like crying but I think the joy of it all made my tear glands dry up! Lol. But no other words can express how truly happy I felt at this super sweet and wonderful gesture! Thank you my lovely friends for such a wonderful gift!

my birthday gift the HUGE card!
Thank you!

Reading what you guys wrote! Lol. So cute and sweet! May Allah bless you all!

Loving my b'day

With other birthday girl Nabilah, Eka's childhood friend!
Had a lovely birthday together!

Birthday doughnuts! The lettering done by Yuni! She used Choki2 to do it!
What an amazing job!

Well, that was when I celebrated with my friends. I just had a second celebration with my family just now but I'll write that one tomorrow! Right now I'm off to bed! God, sooooooooooooo sleepy...

Hurt?

Just because you're hurting,
Just because you're feeling,
Doesn't give you the right,
To be demeaning.

Just because you feel pain,
just because you're not feeling sane,
Doesn't give to the right,
To take it like as if it were a game.

Just because you feel blue,
Just because you feel down,
Doesn't give you the right,
To spread it all around.

Just because I'm happy,
And you're not,
Just because I feel good,
And you don't,
Doesn't give you the right,
To frown and moan.

You say it's cuz' you're hurting,
You say you can't help this feeling,
You say these things again and again,
It still doesn't make it right,
When will you repent and see the light?

I hate people like you,
Who think you're the only ones who hurt,
When we do too,
Everybody hurts,
And everybody cries,
So don't start screaming,
And shouting out your lies!

Stop thinking of only you,
The world doesn't only revolve around you,
You can't keep this attitude,
You're being so selfish,
You're thinking only of yourself,
Wake up, woman,
Nobody's backing you up,
There ain't no one left...